Friday, October 26, 2007

Fiction of Life

Walking in the mist
Of my own assumptions
Taken by
The glory of my ways
Just 10 steps
To make it all better
Pick and choose
They say there's no one way

So I walk
Down the road of good intentions
Taking little tastes
Of all the sweet sins here
Turning down
The help of my good brothers
I'm the puppet
And the puppeteer

This is all fiction
Shadow of the real
There is nothing to find here
Nothing to feel

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Circles

From loved to unloved
From attended to ignored
Life moves in circles

Seeing people often
Seeing people seldom
Life moves in circles

Solid in this faith
To wondering why we're made
Life moves in circles

Thinking things are grand
Turning inward yet again
Life moves in circles

From standing well and good
Hiding too sick to move
Life moves in circles

Can't go another round
Can't find what can't be found
Life is too short for circles

I wish I could stop
Moving in
circles

Sunday, October 21, 2007

On Being Alone

I did something today that I haven't done in 20 years. I went outside to the furniture on our deck and I took a nap in the sunlight. It was a nice 72 degrees with a breeze and clear skies. It was very nice.

At the same time it was very lonely. Things are still somewhat up in the air with many people at church, so after the service was over...I just felt very much like an outsider. So I opted to just go home and take a nap. I did really enjoy the nap in the sun. It was peaceful.

But at the same time I realized that when I was young, I had lived in the country about 6 miles from any friend that I had in high-school. My nearest sibling was 6 years younger than me too. So, I spent a huge amount of my time alone. In the summer I would walk through the woods near our house, and in the winter I would make forts in the snow. Otherwise I stayed in my room a lot listening to music, or I played video games. Either way...at the time it never occurred to me that my life was any different than anyone else's.

When things appear normal to you, it doesn't then occur to you to question it. It is only by comparison that we realize things about our own lives. This simple lesson is one that many people never understand.

I now realize that I was alone all the time. And now I don't really like that feeling in comparison to being around people. Some people grew up around people most of the time, so, they like bits of alone time. But either upbringing, it is still not a good things to separate yourself from people as a practice for lengthy time periods. I've been convinced that we are social creatures, and need others.

That is not being needy...nor it is being co-dependent. It is too bad that people don't often understand that either. Wanting to be with your friends is not a bad thing. It shouldn't be made into a problem.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Evaporated

What I've kept with me
And what I've thrown away
Don't know where the hell I've ended up
On this glary, random day
Were the things I really cared about
Just left along the way
For being to pent up and proud

Woke up way too late
Feeling hung over and old
And the sun was shining bright
And I walked barefoot
Down the road
Started thinking about
My old man
It seems that all men
Wanna get into a car and go
Anywhere

Here I stand - sad and free
I can't cry and I can't see
What I've done
God...what have I done

Don't you know I'm numb, man
No I can't feel a thing at all
cause it's all smiles and business
These days
And I'm indifferent to the loss
I've faith that theres a soul somewhere
Who's leading me around
I wonder if she knows
Which way is down...

Here I stand - sad and free
I can't cry and I can't see
What I've done
God...what have I done

I poured my heart out
I poured my heart out
It evaporated. . .see?

Blind man on a canyons edge
Of a panoramic scene
Or maybe I'm a kite
That's flying high and random
Dangling a string
Or slumped over in a vacant room
Head on a strangers knee
I'm sure back home
They think I've lost my mind.


-- Ben Folds

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

What is this about?

A number of people have been concerned or at least wondered about my postings of recent. I've been very frustrated with a number of things with life, church, and work as of recent. Quite a number of my expectations have been blown.

But part of this whole thing turned into an observation of some of the 'advice' that I would get from people. It was truly amazing how many people made every suggestion that is essentially stuffing it, without, of course, saying to stuff it.

I don't know why people believe that there is something wrong with acknowledging all the evils in the world, or that many things really indeed are unfair or depressing? The real problem would come in when people simply don't deal with the things before them...and not by stuffing them...but instead by changing their circumstances, adopting new expectations, or perhaps starting a new thing in their lives.

But I think that this is how you know who really cares about you. Those that tell you to buck-up, or just to focus on positive things...they just don't really want to hear you. Those that want to walk with you into change and positive improvement...those are the friends who you want to hold on to, because they are the ones that really care.

Thank you to those of you that cared enough to offer your time to me. It makes a difference.

Sunday, October 07, 2007

I hope things change for the better

I've received a number of e-mails concerning my recent postings from people who know me and had conversations with others about postings of this nature. I've chosen to lay out a number of depressed and sobering thoughts. Not all of the thoughts are necessarily mine, but all of them embody things that I'm at least in the presence of.

I've been wrapped up in my own disappointments, blown expectations, and opportunities taken away...that I've not spent enough time finding joy in the things are there, or people who are there, for me. I've essentially taken for granted a number of people in my life. And to those that I have, I apologize.

But the situations are still there...people still choose to make poor choices...ones that are detriments to their lives even when they think it will amount to the opposite. We are such an arrogant people. We are so self-centered and so self-isolating. We create our own loneliness and most people have zero understanding of community.

Well, this is too big a subject to discuss in this meager blog. I just needed to say that things will change.

Thursday, October 04, 2007

But not for you

I lie awake once more
Staring at the ceiling
Between brief naps
Always interrupted

Recalling the days
That are always in passing
Knowing that all this
Just slips away

Try as you might
To get all you time
To actually matter
But you fail the same

For people do not want this
They want the superficial
They want the easy for them
All for them and nothing else

This is the game
To find the ones that want
For more than this
For something actually shared

This isn't just a woman
That is the question
This is about the real
The real relationships

It the non-self-serving ones
The ones that offer themselves
For the friendship they have to give
Rather than the fair-weather ones

The fair-weathers insulate you
From the things they know that you
Disagree with in their walk
Putting up walls to do what they want

Such a sad and selfish culture
To push people into convenience
To use them, and be the close one
Only when they are in need

But not for you

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Laughter is madness

Then I applied myself to the understanding of wisdom, and also of madness and folly, but I learned that this, too, is a chasing after the wind. For with much wisdom comes much sorrow; the more knowledge, the more grief.

I said to myself, "Come now, I will test you with pleasure to find out what is good." But that also proved to be meaningless. "Laughter," I said, "is madness. And what does pleasure accomplish?" I tried cheering myself with wine, and embracing folly—my mind still guiding me with wisdom.

So I hated life, because the work that is done under the sun was grievous to me. All of it is meaningless, a chasing after the wind. I hated all the things I had toiled for under the sun, because I must leave them to the one who comes after me. And who knows whether that person will be wise or foolish? Yet they will have control over all the toil into which I have poured my effort and skill under the sun. This too is meaningless. So my heart began to despair over all my toilsome labor under the sun. For people may labor with wisdom, knowledge and skill, and then they must leave all they own to others who have not toiled for it. This too is meaningless and a great misfortune. What do people get for all the toil and anxious striving with which they labor under the sun? All their days their work is grief and pain; even at night their minds do not rest. This too is meaningless.

Those who love money never have enough; those who love wealth are never satisfied with their income. This too is meaningless.

Guard your steps when you go to the house of God. Go near to listen rather than to offer the sacrifice of fools, who do not know that they do wrong.

Frustration is better than laughter, because a sad face is good for the heart. The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning, but the heart of fools is in the house of pleasure. It is better to heed the rebuke of a wise person than to listen to the song of fools.

I find more bitter than death the woman who is a snare, whose heart is a trap and whose hands are chains. The man who pleases God will escape her, but the sinner she will ensnare.

Remember your Creator in the days of your youth, before the days of trouble come and the years approach when you will say, "I find no pleasure in them"